What is it, and where does it come from?
From my perspective -
- A profound sense of innocence and innate level of trust (often misplaced) - hesitant around new people, noisy places - hey, look how shy this guy is!
- An overwhelming sense of a need to help out (asked for or not) - this can really help or really fail depending on how welcome the offer of help is - it's impossible for me to know before asking
- Lack of a contextual filter - odd comments, behaviour (Will, Geography field trip)
- Eidetic memory and great enthusiasm for extremely narrow/fringe areas of interest - the number of people I must have bored to tears waxing lyrical about trilinear mip-map filtered interpolation...
- Using my intellect to solve perceived issues but sometimes in nasty, unwanted ways
- Miscommunication - I often approach new people with caution, but this can be read as being deliberately distant and awkward...
It's a double edged sword - from society's perspective -
- He doesn't pay attention
- He's more interested in his own agenda and/or lazy
- He doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation
- He is aloof
- Why can't he turn some of this energy into something positive?
- Such a nice guy, but just can't follow instructions or stay on mission
- Such a nice guy, so how is he always upsetting one person or another in the office?
But what has led me here? Last thing I knew I was managing to just about masquerade as a functioning member of society (being a recurring theme in this story). Typically - one or a number of these scenarios can manifest -
- My brain is very noisy - sometimes I cannot talk to you - I'm busy just processing - I'm sorry, I'm not sure what your brain thinks is so important - trust me - it isn't - but I bet i'm coming across as being super rude to your special friends and family right now
- Social cues and relationships are very difficult to correctly read and respond to - responding can take days/weeks of thought/contemplation - writing and rewriting until I think I understand
- Some normal people are extremely hard work - just being around them - sometimes even knowing *of* someone that is potentially exhausting is quite enough. Most of the time people aren't looking at the six inches in front of their noses and are bound up in an in inescapable resignation of self to the miserable present - I cannot exist around you - even the tiniest flea should be able to summon more satisfaction from existence just by "being" - if you cannot - and you think you found your nice place in society then you are wrong
- Strange places can hold solace - even if they do not exist - my happy place is in the world of Harry Potter created by J K Rowling. It could have been written for me - I also find solace in the quiet corners of the earth - the ones I find by myself...the corner seat on the train, the spot on the platform where the door always opens - an illusion of control over the seemingly untameable
- Sales people and Autistic people are thrown together by maths problems that involve finance. These two groups of people are incompatible - sales people are paid to be enthusiastic, noisy, use alcohol and various groups of stimulants to meet objectives - only really care about the bottom line - deliberately shallow - switch off the second they have what they want -
- There is always a sword of Damocles - eyes are always on - you can make small gains, but the crushing blow has always been waiting - and it can fall at any time - Doom is literally hanging there
- It doesn't matter how long, or how successfully you have managed to mask yourself from the muggles - they are always present - and always ready to ridicule you - even when the illusion of holding control seems plausible
- Amazingly - There are other people like me. Unfortunately - these other people are like me - unlikely to socialise, nervous around others - I found a bunch when I was young, but a typical ASD guy is not rushing out there trying to bond with new friends...unless there is some acceptable social crutch in place that helps with crippling social anxiety brought on by ASD (there is, but it brings it's own problems).
- At the end of the day - it's just normal life for every single person you know to either lose interest in you or betray you to a greater or lesser degree - every single job will - at best - politely put up with you, as soon as some sort of error crops up then we are sacking you - this is the reality of the situation - better get used to it. It doesn't stop the hurt and confusion but it does go some way to helping to understand the decisions that found me at their centre.
I'll move on to what it's like to be diagnosed next...although that is still really hard to grasp emotionally.
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