Silly Search Terms #12

Well despite thinking (in my last post on this subject) that the search engines had mysteriously improved, only sending relevant queries to my posts, it rather looks like their trousers have fallen back around their respective ankles over the last month or so!

So, rather unexpectedly, another selection of referrals from Google/Yahoo (et al) that didn't quite end up with a happy result upon finding themselves on one post or another on my blog -

"how many homes in uk are number 13" - probably one in every road in the country (at a guess)?

"dogging goring by sea" - Sorry, no idea...

"if a human touches me they are killed instantly" - Wow, how did that query end up here?

"hugh whittingstall chicken run ridiculous wrong posh boy" - Haha...urm...no! ;)

"what is the proper way to walk with crutches. which foot goes first, good one or bad one?" - Urm, I think the idea of crutches is that the bad foot doesn't have to touch down at all, however, I sympathise, it sucks being on crutches...poor searcher (pout+comforting nuzzle)...

"muddy fat german nudists" - *shudder*

"anticdote to methamphetamine" - Sorry, I have absolutely no idea, however, this does mean I probably mis-spelt antidote somewhere on the blog...whoops!

"saxonville sausage case solution" Eh?

"i would like to be cooked" - Well, following the theme, perhaps try some German websites?

"answering objections of homosexuals" - Sorry, not taking responsibility for that task...

"How tos steal street signs" - Do you really need a procedure note?

"the best of torquay housewives" - What is it with Torquay???

"accidents on dartmoor shooting ranges" - I didn't do it! I wasn't even there!

"how to do surgery on Karl Puccino in Amateur Surgeon" - Please...go to the hospital!

"How to cool ur panting dog" - Urm, pour some water on it? Give it a drink? Take it out of the sun?

"cheeky cherry cheese anamations (short)" - Sorry, I'm all out of Cheeky Cherry Cheese...

Previous silly search terms can be found here...

Silly Search Terms #11

Well, I have been trying to collect some more silly search terms (Google Analytics has been making it *much* less hassle to look through the logs, I must say) but dissapointingly since last *July*, *all* I have had in the way of even faintly amusing referrals are contained in the pathetic list below...one thing this *does* mean though, is that search engines must be getting an awful lot better at matching queries to relevant content...ruining my little game...bah...

"ladies toilet torquay*video*" - are you serious?

"funny pea lorry crash" - Yep, I did see a couple of crashes, a lorry and a bus...but no peas involved I'm afraid...

"naughty pictures of office christmas parties" - Well, kind of!

"Turd" - charming! But sadly relevant...!

"vomiting redhill" - Urm, nope!

Previous entries here...enjoy, as this may well be the last one in the series!

Silly Search Terms #10

Well, haven't done one of these for *ages*, so just another little batch of the more amusing (some funny, some strange and some downright disturbing) search arguements that have resulted in (often confused) visitors ending up on one of my posts, while actually after something *rather* different -

"what to do if you accidentally roast silverside" - Urm? Eat it?

"brown paper package bomb exploded kid subway book amazon" - Hrm, this must be some mis-hit for this little story from my past...

"how cook rice in 10 seconds vw" - Urm, you can't..? Even if you do call upon the powers of Volkswagen...in fact, judging by our mini kitchen in the camper, it would take even longer than usual... ;)

"dirty birthday animation gif" - Not guilty me'lud...

"unfloatable wood" - Urm, well perhaps extremely water-logged soft, porous wood might not float, can't think of any specifics though, and certainly never brought the subject up here...

"funny looking homemade mobile campers" - Don't listen Colin! :(

"symptoms eye saw 'laser mouse'" - Urm, were are you doing with your mouse to get sore (as I imagine you *meant*) *eyes*??

"Argo strike silver salt" - Sorry?

"ranch dressing rash" - What were you using it for to get a rash for goodness sake??

"'water polo' steaky" - not quite sure what this is all about, but I think I can guess, and no, they were wearing their cossies, thank you...!

More of these here, if you like this kind of thing... ;)

Silly Search Terms #9

Another batch of silly search terms for our mutual enjoyment (those referrals I spot from the major search engines which make me chortle) -

"rover metro loo" (is that an option on the metro then? Passenger seat conversion perhaps?)

"t25 breasts" (Sorry, well not on mine anyway, his name is Colin)... ;)

"preacher's bench used for BDSM" (eh?? While I'm sure it's very enjoyable, not here mate!)

"psp tatty bear brushes" (Well, I happen to know that "brush" is a commonly used word for a 3D object template in the gaming industry, thanks to training myself on an early version of DROMED (the unfriendly, crashy Thief level designing tool) still not entirely sure what they were after though)...!

"does marwell zoo have security guards in it's zoo?" (and why do you want that bit of information, eh sunshine?)

"vending machine love meter" (Urm, again, I think you came to the wrong place!)

"+'number of tendons' +duck" (May I refer you to the Appendicular Myology of the Camptorhynchus labradorius, which should answer your question a little better than anything I have written about ducks (which most likely isn't a lot more than "here is a duck" (or something about quacking)) perhaps refine your search a little more... ;)

"pics of pink cars with playboy bunny logos on them" (I'm plagued! Although I have actually mentioned playboy once or twice)...

Previous entries are in this direction...(if you like this kind of thing)...

Silly Search Terms #8

So, time for another batch of the more "interesting" search terms people have entered into Google/Yahoo/et al, and *somehow* ended up on one of my blog postings...caught some really odd ones this time -

"gay sauna in east croydon" - Sorry, no idea! Never even been to a sauna!
"torquay housewife pics" - Only pics I got of Torquay are of Kents Cavern, oh and Bygones...no housewives though, sorry... ;)
"the events that lead to a lorry crashing on the m25" - I didn't do it! I wasn't anywhere near it!
"BBQ DUCK RECIEPT" - hmm, on that note I must finish doing my expenses from New York...
"crystal meth unconciousness" - Urm...can you be unconcious when on crystal meth?
"grandmothers with genital warts" - Who on earth entered this?? And why?? DEVIANT!!
"Trinidad and tobago Hospital Physician Directory 2006-07" - this keeps coming up! I don't know anything about Trinidad and Tobago (wish I had never mentioned it)!
"How to install a fence that isn't a straight line" - Someone trying to be funny? ;)

Previous entries can be found here (if this kind of thing interests you)...

Silly Search Terms #7

...so just a few more of the more "interesting", non relevant search terms that have resulted in referrals to my blog from the likes of Google -

"how to block next doors cctv camera" (bit of paint on the lens is my favorite trick...heh...sticky shocker gun works well too, oh wait, that's not real life... ;)
"><((((º>" (ASCII fish?)
"cheeky angel images" (well, I guess I do take the odd cheeky picture ;)
"torquay fetish shop" (sorry, nope!)
"Pomegreat piles" (of them, or to help with the relief of, I wonder?)
"phone number of massage parlour in sevenoaks" (Try Yell?)
"Sausage and egg biscuit photo" (Eh? Sounds like a bit of a culinary disaster waiting to happen, if you ask me...)
"equipment machines to turn roast beef into chopped steaks" (a "knife" perhaps?)
"removing cherryade from carpet" (ooo...nasty!)
"overwieght woman funny calendar" (Urm...not here, sorry!)
"chav, girls naughty pictures" (not the kind you are after sunshine!)
"how to give static shocks" (how unknind! But for me it's coming into the office during the summer, works a treat!)

Previous entries can be located here...(if you like this kind of thing)... ;)

Silly search terms #6

Another batch of "interesting" hits I have had from the search engines for your enjoyment, these are terms people have entered into Google (for example) and somehow ended up here(!) -

cauliflower tonsils pictures - Urm, nope, sorry...

homemade paste recipies for fishing - Never been fishing in my life!

Playboy toys - Hrm, yes, that oh so responsible parent must have been to blame for this one...

redhill dr who groups - Please, surely not... ;)

pushing her bogged vw out of the bog - Hrm, kind of!

Nibbles pole in living room - Well, I've done lots of things in my living room, but never that... ;)

torquay massage parlour - Eh? No idea, sorry... ;)

Previous entries can be found here...

Silly search terms #5

Trying to keep the blog ticking, even though it's *agony* (thank you surrogate typists)... thankfully I keep a lot of saved stuff in the blogger archive, so here is one bit - as you know, I collect the more "unusual" search terms that result in hits I get from the search engines (I just keep an eye on it as I go along)...(looking forward to what I will get when the big "G" indexes the "broken finger" posts(!)...anyway, excuse the formatting (if you will) and enjoy the spurious hits below... ;)

"wikipedia, hot sauce, BDSM" (OMG! Please tell me no-one does that?)
"portaloo fire" (worse than a tipping!)
"Celebrity phone numbers"(not here!)
"bikini jam 20" (Urm, nope, got Bug Jam though?)
"Oliver Rowe gay"(how would I know!?)
"Fink washed leather" (sure it's great(?) but no, I didn't)
"pills in my pocket fink tab" (eh?)
"isle of white lightning" (You will understand if you are from the UK, but look up "White Lightning" if you aren't)... :)

Silly Search terms #4

Okay, yet more search terms shared by referring pages from various search engines to share with you...these are search arguments that people actually typed into Yahoo, Google etc. and ended up hitting my blog as a result...got some really strange ones this time! ;)

kate winslett and torture - Do you think I should tell her someone is running this query?

Pimms cross stitch Thai - I think this looks like 3 queries in one? A desperate vanity search perhaps?

theories of service failure and service recovery with example of hotel or resturant - Eh?

women in school uniform pics - Not that I can remember!! ;)

picture during ceasarean delivery - Yuk! Well, yes maybe, but it would be of a hospital corridor...

Dirty close up photos of female runners - Well, yes plenty of those, but not the kind *you* are after... ;)

Bondage Crawley - I dread to think... ;)

christian commentary on joking and mucking around - "He's not the messiah, he's a VERY NAUGHTY BOY"... ;)

pictures of cigarette packets in Trinidad and Tobago - Never been there, don't smoke!

Anyway, if you like this kind of thing there are some previous entries accessible from here...

Silly Search terms #3

Collected some good ones this time, but traffic is up a bit from normal so I'm sure I'm missing some as they scurry by...just to remind you, these are things people are typing into Google/Yahoo/MSN Search/etc that are ending up being directed to entries here on the blog...(obviously there are loads of totally relevant hits also) but without further ado -

Hare Krishna dalek - Well, I've blogged about Daleks, and I've blogged about the Krishnas, but not at the same time! Turns out (with a little investigation) that this search term isn't as weird as it might seem at first glance (thanks again Wiki!) - I quote - "An early 2000s British Kit Kat advertisement featured a squad of Daleks who have joined a group of Hare Krishna devotees, rolling through a shopping centre while repeatedly chanting "Peace and love!" in their distinctive voices. However, their use in this advert was brought to an end by the estate of Terry Nation, who had not been aware of the usage, the advertising agency having mistakenly believed the creatures were in the public domain".

Awesome angel pictures - Thanks..! Not quite what they were after though I guess...Hehe... ;)

pictures of nanobots - Not here I'm afraid! And the producers of LOST said the monster isn't a nanobot cloud...debunked... ;)

free 2006 womens calendars - *shrug* when did I ever talk about that??

Mush room pictures - Not going to get far spelling it like that... ;)

huge blister lancing video - Eh???? This also begs the question...WHY would you want one???

is there a reason to why the moon look like it does - Okay, I can see that one, but how vague a query?

(sticking with the moon theme, which is odd again as I'm pretty sure I only mentioned it the once!)

what does the moon do? - What, on the weekend? For a living? ;)

Woman latex gloved - urm?

Mean mr mustard beetles - Who?

holborn power steering pump - A what?

Anyway, more later... ;) Previous entries here and here...

More silly search terms... ;)

Okay, some more search terms shared by referring pages from various search engines to share with you, (these are search arguments that people actually typed into Google (or whatever) and ended up on my page, usually facing disappointment!)...

Free calendars of good looking guys (Urm...?)
Numbers 18:15 commentary (Shrug!)
What does Fink mean? (Okay, I can see that one, not sure what the answer would be though! ;)
Completely painted lady pictures (Sorry, nope...!)
Pictures of a lettuce to colour (that would be a boring picture to colour in, but again, sorry, not here...!)

I really shouldn't do this, because now I am absolutely guaranteed to rank well for these exact search terms in future, but at least coming straight here instead of unrelated articles will stop the search (through my archives) right away...

The last lot of terms are here, if you are interested... ;)