What fun...

 ...to find yourself utterly alone.  For years, and years, and years...

Who on earth would want to bother with a pointless autistic retard. 

Living with Empathy Disorder: The weight of everyone’s bowl

 

So, first a quick update - I’m currently back with another psychiatrist, so slipping slightly backwards, once again above the crisis team…anyway, my new shrink has asked me to do some journaling - he says it’s useful for chewing over difficult concepts - and it has been, at times, so here we go…Today’s topic is just one of the many things I am coming to terms with, but this one offers an excellent explanation and a way forward…so let’s explore it a bit.

For most of my life, I’ve moved through the world seeing humans around me not just as individuals, but as vessels - each one carrying a small, invisible bowl that represented their needs, their sense of belonging, and how included and welcome they felt. Some bowls were always nearly full (no matter what), some bobbed up and down constantly and some were cracked, or just empty…everyone has a clear position in the hierarchy of needs in every social situation (to me).

The emptier bowls are quietly asking for help without ever saying a word, the fuller bowls were often carried by people who were only interested in communicating how full their own bowls were and then you have infinite variations in between - the bowls are always there, and I am always aware of them - it doesn’t matter who you are - you could be Hitler - I will see and measure you and I will probably try and help, or at least make you as comfortable as I can within my power. 

Somewhere along the way, I decided it was my job to try and keep these bowls full - mostly because nobody else appeared to be seeing or reacting to them.

I didn’t react because anyone asked me to, I didn’t try to help because I thought I was going to be good at it - it was because I couldn’t not do it. The moment I sensed someone feeling left out, unheard, or uncomfortable, something in me just fires up like an air raid siren with a strobe.  I’d deliberately shift my attention, constantly adjust my behaviour, and pour whatever emotional energy I had into making sure their bowl didn’t stay empty in the context of the group.

This behaviour is typical in someone suffering from HED - hyper empathy disorder - and it’s common in people with ASD - either that or the direct opposite (empathy deficit disorder).  There is also physical evidence that some people have mirror neurons that fire up only during this sort of exchange - people with it have more, or less neurons turned over specifically to this function - so symptoms can manifest via clinical origin, not just neuro-divergent wiring…

The Lidless Eye

Living, driven by HED, meant I was always scanning the room, reading micro‑expressions, tracking tiny tonal shifts, and spotting the invisible cues most people will barely even register. I wasn’t just aware of how others were feeling — I was left feeling responsible for it -

• If someone seemed lonely, I’d seek to include them

• If someone looked anxious, I’d smile, avoid eye contact (more) and soften my voice

• If someone was upset, I’d drop everything to help them get steady

My own bowl? I didn’t even realise I had one.

The Private Exhaustion

People often praise empathy as a virtue, and it can be. But when empathy is compulsive — when it overrides your own needs, boundaries, and energy — it stops being any form of personal kindness and starts becoming a quiet form of self‑erasure.

You don’t really notice the exhaustion at first - it creeps in slowly, disguised as "being a good friend" or “being supportive”, but over time, constantly tending to everyone else’s emotional world left me drained in ways I can’t even begin to articulate.

• I was always worried about how others were feeling

• Always monitoring

• Always adjusting

• Always giving

And eventually, I hit a point where I had nothing left to give - and my point to people was largely removed.

Withdrawal is Survival

When you spend years filling other people’s bowls, you eventually realise you’ve been running on fumes. And when you finally notice the emptiness, it’s terrifying - there is no reservoir to draw upon - these people will have to look after themselves - and that feels bad.

My withdrawal from society wasn’t a dramatic collapse. It was more like a slow fade. I stopped reaching out. I stopped joining conversations. I stopped putting myself in situations where I’d feel compelled to manage everyone else’s emotions - a nice cup of tea with the neighbours perhaps.

It wasn’t that I stopped caring.  I haven’t found a way to switch this off.

It was that caring had become a deeply painful process and taking a step back felt like the only way to live again.

What I’m trying to learn

I’m still figuring out what healthy empathy looks like for me — I know it doesn’t match most neurotypical behaviour, for one, I never really appreciated that empathy (as a thing) should have included me…

So  I’m trying to learn that:

• Not every bowl is mine to fill

• Other people’s discomfort isn’t a crisis I must solve

• My own needs matter just as much as anyone else’s

• Withdrawal/Avoidance wasn’t failure; it was a critical boundary that I required to exist - when no other way could be found

And maybe the biggest lesson:

You can care deeply about others without fully abandoning yourself.

I don’t think I will ever be capable of understanding selfishness, or those people that decided to use me as a robot because I always said yes - and it hurts because I can’t understand it and could never do that.  It also hurts because nobody was ever doing this for me - and when you find yourself, covered in dust by the side of the road - it sure makes you reflect on  your life and where all those slightly fuller bowls went when you are the one cold, lonely and in pain.

How do you tell someone they got it all wrong and cared too much and that's basically what happens? You didn't get credit for any of this - and now you are all used up? That was silly.

Ant Keeping 101

Okay, so I'm going to learn how to keep ants.

Why?

• They are interesting - they operate on a different level to most life forms on earth - each hive behaving almost as a single entity - endlessly specialised into some of the most bizarre creatures you have ever seen
• Ants are incredibly low maintenance  - once per week you should check on them - remove any debris from their rubbish dump - feed a tiny amount of honey, a tiny bit of protein (minuscule amounts) - to be removed after 2-3 days if they aren't eating it - check water levels in the test tube and offer an alternative home if it's getting hard to keep it clean
• It's a cheap hobby to get into - a couple of test tubes and a plastic takeaway box will get you started

Species/difficulty

• For your first try - pick a species that thrives outside your window - that way you don't have to worry about finding wild food or managing humidity or temperature - they should be perfectly adapted to your normal household conditions - I have chosen the black pavement/garden ant - lasius niger - they are omnivores, and they also evolved a symbiotic relationship with aphids which is incredible to watch
• If a disaster happens - (being a UK species) the colony stands a good chance if you have to release them into the wild - nobody likes genocide

Initial living arrangements

• Turns out - It's a test tube, either wrapped in tin foil, or red cellophane (which allows you to observe the nest but keeps the hive in the dark) - once the hive hits 30+ workers you can think about a move to a small nest - but a test tube is perfect for the early laying phase
• A second test tube, in case the first one gets messy or we start to see some white mould should be standing by so the colony can relocate if they feel the need

Expected Time frames

• Incredibly - Queen ants have been known to live for 30+ years - meaning they can easily outlive a domestic dog, typical workers can live for 2 years
• Growth is exponential - starting incredibly slowly the hive standing and falling on a handful of workers for what seems like forever - once the hive takes off though - its a freight train 

Consumables/Basic Needs

• Water (and some sort of medium for the water to be available - a cotton wool bung half way up the test tube is fine)
• Honey - 79p from the co-op for a big jar
• Protein - I bought a bag of meal worms for £6 which should last decades
• Some fine grained sand 

Equipment

• Long tweezers - for addition of food and removal of waste
• A miniature feeding tray for honey/nectar
• Pipettes - for addition of water/honey
• Some anti-trespass paint - ants can't cling on - to paint around access ports

Expectations

• UK ants are currently hibernating (if they are sensible) as it is winter time  - so I shouldn't expect too much activity until the ambient temperatures pick up a bit - during this time they don't like being disturbed (understandably)
• When the queen is laying the initial brood - she will occasionally drink but won't require any food for several months as she carries plenty of resources - and usually this food will be supplied by the workers while the queen gets on with queen things
• New queens like incredibly small living spaces - they are actually stressed out if they have too much available ground to worry about and will naturally limit their own access to any "outworld" until there are 30+ workers
• I've watched hundreds of - "How to ant" videos on Youtube - I'm forewarned and forearmed for basic issues - checking too often - providing too much space - over feeding - mould - I think I'm ready?
• I'm expecting colony failure - therefore I'm going to try two different modular systems - and two different queens simultaneously to maximise my chances while still minimising cost while I'm figuring out if this hobby is for me

More when I have some equipment to show you.

What I don't know - how the hives decide when it's time for different kinds of ants to appear, when to expand etc. - presumably levels of pheromones in the hive?  More research required.

Understanding ASD frustration - a users guide

 So, while I'm trying to figure everything out - I'm late diagnosed ASD for those that don't know - I thought I would attempt to give you some insights as to what being ASD actually feels like to me, how I'm trying to deal with it, and what it might be like if you found yourself caught in a non-verbal host or if you are dealing with someone inside a non-verbal host.

I'm going to start by talking about frustration.  

Frustration is one of the most common "emotions" I feel - it's a standard electro-biochemical neurological response to not being able to do what you want/think you should be able to do - Most people rapidly normalise these experiences and then immediately tailor their lives to minimise future instances, simple right?

Frustration is annoying and illogical - frustrating events usually contain an emotional component (which always makes matters worse) - but they can also be purely mechanical - in which case the emotional component is usually provided for you by your own mind.

Under normal circumstances I have a base line, a fairly comfortable base line for my things that at least *sound* like emotions - over the last few decades my masking has improved to the point where I don't come across like a complete freak, I don't hide in the toilet so much at social gatherings, and I can manage to do some small talk without alcohol.  Its exhausting, it's mind-numbing and it's pointless.  But it isn't actual FRUSTRATION.

For me, frustration is tangible.  It doesn't exactly physically hurt - but it is extremely close - like it really, really wants to hurt you, and you can feel that intensity.  Now - just to illustrate - odd challenges in neurotypical environments are far from new to me - but when there is absolutely no way past whatever this wall is - no matter what you have tried - you look inside yourself for inspiration and come up blank.  The wall stops feeling like a wall, and starts feeling like a deliberate thing, maybe even a thing with an agenda.

Frustration is red.  It glistens.  It's cold.  It writhes and twists and squeezes. It moves like a collection of worms, not worms that want to help grow plants.  Very upset worms - and they live inside you - but they don't belong there.  They live by the solar plexus and seem to communicate with the main brain via the neurons that make up your mini brain in the stomach (and then the vagas nerve presumably)...and no, I don't think if I cut open my tummy I would find actual worms, but this is how they manifest.  

Once it's physically occurring the feeling of panicked frustration just takes over everything else.

Let's conjure some examples together - 

1) A person is the wall.

2) A computer is the wall.

3) A system is the wall.

4) Its just possible that one day I will encounter an actual wall that is a wall, but usually there are plenty of ways around actual walls, so much so that they don't really count for much in a real day-to-day sense.

All of these issues are likely to require very different approaches, but the trigger to engage is identical - and I really cannot differentiate between the first three from a motivational perspective.

Above all, the most important thing to know about frustration is - once it is there - I don't have a way back - it will live rent free as a 'wrong' in my mind forever.  Why this is important will soon become clear...

So example 1) - what do I do?  It's a person, so I query.  Why are you being a wall?  They will explain their position, and it will be contrary to mine, because I don't want a wall.  We will then be together at an inevitable impasse.  I can mask with the best of them, I can almost pass as normal most of the time (energy permitting) - but upon conflict of interests that just goes out the window - most likely I will try asking and then turn my weapons on and try to wash the wall out of the way, whichever seems to the path of least resistance - but that is a terrible idea - cue countless workplace arguments, disciplinary meetings, angry colleagues that think you are just being really difficult to be a dick.  Highly likely - I have to just live with that.

Example 2 - A computer is the wall - My brain tells me I can always find a solution - always.  When that doesn't work the worms become very cross indeed.  The most likely outcome here?  There is only one, I keep going until I fix it.  If this happens in a work environment it doesn't matter if my boss says - drop that now - we have other priorities - FUUUU!  I'm still going to have to solve it, but now I have to solve it in secret to the suffrage of my other work.  Cue workplace arguments, home arguments.  Sometimes people say "Don't worry about it" - hilarious comedy.

Example 3 - A system is the wall - much easier - I can do systems - I understand processes and procedures, systems analysis is my default mind state.  My likely response?  Rewrite all the documentation, procedures and processes to enable the system to function optimally.  Nobody seems to care one way or another if you do this - which suits me fine - because it makes me feel better and now I'm in control of everything at an operational level.

I hope I have helped you understand a little of the way my mind works in this particular sense, and I hope it's useful with your interactions with muggle folk or peers and equally if you are trying to reach out to and/or understand a struggling mind as a neurotypical person (if such a thing exists).

If you have any questions on the subject I'll happily try and answer...but it's nice and quiet over here at the moment, no-one has been blogging in years...seems a safe place to park while I pencil around my capacity.

So I'm figuring out Canva...

...it's got some very stupid usability issues where it's not immediately obvious why I need to make a series of "pages" before I can compile a single, edited video...but I kind of figured it out, it's not a deliberate act of obfuscation   - I guess I make some longer form videos (which is going to be annoying, as they don't get many views compared to YouTube shorts) and learn about transitions, intro cards and exit cards, thumbnails (and all other things YouTube)...

Anyway - another feather in my cap...I'm happy to make long form video content now - even if it is a bit clunky.  Just need to clear up some room on my 'phone to actually record some things now...

Adding a bend to my cap brim...

...just getting a few other things ready for camping in the extension (where it isn't getting in anyone's way)...My nice ENCOM cap arrived without a curved brim however, so I've had to jury rig a sort of hat-shaping device using one of my shoes and a handful of rubber bands...looks like it's doing the trick!

For my next therapeutic camping trip I think I have settled on Sussex Topiary Park in Rusper (it's got electric and toilet facilities and seems to have reasonable 4G coverage), I just need to fit this in around some good weather to pitch and take down camp (I will enjoy it if it rains while I am actually there, i just don't like bringing home wet camping stuff)...

Entry level tent solar power

Ok, so at it's most basic level, off-grid power requires the following things - a solar cell (nearly said solar sail there - not so practical) - with MC4 connectors - they are standard solar connectors that allow you to easily retrofit extra panels in serial if required and are fully waterproof - it's exactly the same system as they wire into your loft.  My particular solar panel is rated to 100 watts and 12 volts and is designed to be waterproof and flexible (for mounting anywhere, even in inclement conditions)...

You might find you need an MC4 extension cable depending on how far apart you are putting your solar panel and your battery, ideally it must be in direct sunlight for the maximum amount of available daylight and the battery should be somewhere cool and dry.

At this point the simplest and cheapest thing to do is buy something like this - 

- it's got a small battery pack built in (26,400mAh), plus an inverter to use DC via a standard Type G British 3 pin plug and also has an adaptor for 9v cigarette lighter and a number of variously rated USB ports.  Now I stressed entry level here - I tested this power pack vs the High Gear 28L cool box - it lasted almost exactly one hour before the battery was flat.  So I'm not expecting any miracles here - equipped as I am - Infinite power to charge telephones and laptops is priority 1 - we will see how far that can be extended as we move forwards - if we can even hit objective 1 on this next camp then I am very happy.

Down the line some small changes I need to make to the setup are immediately obvious - I'm thinking a waterproof box with a 100Ah deep cycle LiFePO4 battery (basically a caravan leisure battery) and a proper inverter/solar manager (that shows charge speed etc.) rather than this jack-of-all-trades charger that I know can't really cope with 230-240v for very long - the fridge probably isn't going to be a thing off grid - but the rice cooker and a nice fan are both possibilities - the minimum viable product at this point is simply to be able to keep my telephone and laptops charged with no mains power - let's not try and walk before we can run.

Edit - Camping off-grid with the 'fridge might be possible after all - if my calculations are correct - even without solar top up I should get 24 hours of refrigeration from a single, fully charged 12v 100Ah battery.

Planning my next camp...

 

So the first therapeutic camping trip went great, so much so, in fact that I stayed an extra night when it became clear the campsite was new and wasn't going to fill up (despite being the last bank holiday of the summer break)...it was both relaxing and liberating... 

Now school holidays are over I can start to have a look and see what the *normal* costs of camping are going to be like around here and what sort of facilities are to be had now the kids and parents are back on the school run...

I'm going to play it really safe again this time - within about 30 minutes from rescue - electricity from the pitch (that sort of thing) - and it would have been nice to have some sort of shop (just in case I had kicked over the vegetable oil or something silly like that)...I'm sure it will all be fine again.

I can see this working it's way towards more off grid, tarps and hammocks, fire pits etc. I want to learn how to make yakitori (for example) and I want to get some sort of solar solution going before I get completely off grid...but softly softly catchy monkey...

Some images from my first solo camp

 

Therapeutic Camping (for one)

So between my psychiatrist and that part of my mind that deals with all things external facing and apparently self-conscious, we settled upon a interesting and slightly unexpected treatment plan that - 

a) gets me out of the house
b) is fun and gives me something to aim at 
c) takes good organisation and management
d) makes me take on at least some of my nastier symptoms like agoraphobia and photophobia 

e) might involve speaking to people but a hiding place is provided
f) doesn't feel like a step too far
g) is inexpensive

So this is the first draft of the list of camping stuff - 

Got - to pack

• Tent (4 man blackout tent - for obvious reasons - it even has a blackout vestibule which is unusual)
• Suitcase Cooker
• Butane can x 2
• Electric Cooler
• Portable rice cooker
• Electric Hookup
• Cooking set (2 x pans, 1 x kettle, 2 x bowls)
• Camp Bed
• Folding Chair
• Outdoor giant bean bag
• Sleeping bag
• Duvet (check forecast)
• Pillows (check forecast)
• Spork x 2
• Plastic Bowl x 2
• A book (currently a UFO book)
• Chargers
• Can opener
• Washing up fluid and cloth/sponge
• Warm hoodie/Jumper
• Novelty Hat
• Bin bags x 2
• Toilet roll x 3

Tech

• Headlamps x 2
• Mini fan
• Power Inverter / big battery pack
• Mobile Telephone
• Chromebook/HP Envy

Comsumables

• Small veg oil
• Small butter
• Fresh water
• Tea (Earl Grey)
• Skimmed milk
• Rice (pre-mixed with cardamon pods, nigella seeds, cinnamon bark and a spot of seasoning)
• Beers
• Beans
• Cans of good quality chicken curry/chilli beef (one of each)
• Jalapenos, sliced in brine 
• Noodles (Indomie Mi Goreng)
• White loaf (sliced) 
• Grated Cheddar cheese
• Bacon, smoked
• Eggs, free range
• Chilli sauce (either Baron's, Frank's or Nando's depending on my mood)
• BBQ/Ketchup
• Snacks (Crisps, Biltong)
• Branston pickle

It was fine, I definitely should have taken a couple of pillows - the giant bean bag was waaaay too big for the inflatable mattress and was just a bit too thin (I could feel the ground through it even when freshly inflated) - so next time I'm taking a proper camp cot and chair...

It was nice to only really have to please myself - for example one morning I had hot chicken curry for my breakfast.  It didn't hurt anybody and it made me happy - I think these little things are what is going to end up making a difference - if I can establish a bank of small "happiness" events where nothing bad happened, I didn't get voted down or ignored, and maybe I can up the chances of not immediately feeling guilty or stupid...

Autism Diagnosis - Masking for 53 years

 So here are a couple of difficult to deal with (and mask over worthy) little attempts - during this life thus far - 

• Highly limited connection with any humans other than a very small handful of people who exhibited no signs of judgement (and low risk of violent, thoughtless, noisy outbursts) - goths, punks, NMA brotherhood, the odd person from Plymouth.
• Filtering out deliberately stupid people - Oh I don't need to know about that...I feel like, I feel like a vast potential and willingness for understanding and enlightenment has just been glibly tossed in a ditch along with the contents of a nappy bag belonging to the rear end of your dangerous dog.  People who have no interest in learning are totally beyond all understanding. 
• Bullying - all the way through - I'm a big guy so people don't expect this - but it's a combination of innocent trust and meeting people who don't even have anything tangible to gain - but just feel a whole lot better when they are making somebody else's life into a tale of misery - there are many of these people.
• Trying to juggle forced social situations - boardroom presentations to 50-150 people - huge responsibility -  seeing others when already out of gas to deal with people.
• Not having enough money - having my bus pass, train ticket, bank card confiscated by "family" repeatedly - not for any logical reason - just to make my life more difficult  - this is the first time I have had any control over any of my money for almost twenty years - it's a difficult thing not scraping around the floor for pennies every day just to find my train fare to the office - I still expect to find my belongings scattered and lost when I go to go out and about...I had to work so hard to fit in, that was made impossible
• Asking for time off to attend a scan when Thomas was on the way.  I'll never forget this - first son - "I'm just asking - but what's the point in going to the scan?  It's early days, the baby will probably die before you get there - what's the point in putting it in our calendar?" - what is the point in even telling you?  Under what circumstances would I like to hear my children are going to die?

Alienation - Autism diagnosis after 50

What is it, and where does it come from?  

From my perspective - 

• A profound sense of innocence and innate level of trust (often misplaced) - hesitant around new people, noisy places - hey, look how shy this guy is!
• An overwhelming sense of a need to help out (asked for or not) - this can really help or really fail depending on how welcome the offer of help is - it's impossible for me to know before asking
• Lack of a contextual filter - odd comments, behaviour (Will, Geography field trip)
• Eidetic memory and great enthusiasm for extremely narrow/fringe areas of interest - the number of people I must have bored to tears waxing lyrical about trilinear mip-map filtered interpolation...
• Using my intellect to solve perceived issues but sometimes in nasty, unwanted ways
• Miscommunication - I often approach new people with caution, but this can be read as being deliberately distant and awkward...

It's a double edged sword - from society's perspective - 

• He doesn't pay attention
• He's more interested in his own agenda and/or lazy
• He doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation
• He is aloof
• Why can't he turn some of this energy into something positive?
• Such a nice guy, but just can't follow instructions or stay on mission
• Such a nice guy, so how is he always upsetting one person or another in the office?

But what has led me here?  Last thing I knew I was managing to just about masquerade as a functioning member of society (being a recurring theme in this story).  Typically - one or a number of these scenarios can manifest - 

• My brain is very noisy - sometimes I cannot talk to you - I'm busy just processing - I'm sorry, I'm not sure what your brain thinks is so important - trust me - it isn't - but I bet i'm coming across as being super rude to your special friends and family right now
• Social cues and relationships are very difficult to correctly read and respond to - responding can take days/weeks of thought/contemplation - writing and rewriting until I think I understand
• Some normal people are extremely hard work - just being around them - sometimes even knowing *of* someone that is potentially exhausting is quite enough.  Most of the time people aren't looking at the six inches in front of their noses and are bound up in an in inescapable resignation of self to the miserable present - I cannot exist around you - even the tiniest flea should be able to summon more satisfaction from existence just by "being" - if you cannot - and you think you found your nice place in society then you are wrong
• Strange places can hold solace - even if they do not exist - my happy place is in the world of Harry Potter created by J K Rowling.  It could have been written for me - I also find solace in the quiet corners of the earth - the ones I find by myself...the corner seat on the train, the spot on the platform where the door always opens - an illusion of control over the seemingly untameable
• Sales people and Autistic people are thrown together by maths problems that involve finance.  These two groups of people are incompatible - sales people are paid to be enthusiastic, noisy, use alcohol and various groups of stimulants to meet objectives - only really care about the bottom line - deliberately shallow - switch off the second they have what they want - 
• There is always a sword of Damocles - eyes are always on - you can make small gains, but the crushing blow has always been waiting - and it can fall at any time - Doom is literally hanging there
• It doesn't matter how long, or how successfully you have managed to mask yourself from the muggles - they are always present - and always ready to ridicule you - even when the illusion of holding control seems plausible 
• Amazingly - There are other people like me.  Unfortunately - these other people are like me - unlikely to socialise, nervous around others - I found a bunch when I was young, but a typical ASD guy is not rushing out there trying to bond with new friends...unless there is some acceptable social crutch in place that helps with crippling social anxiety brought on by ASD (there is, but it brings it's own problems). 
• At the end of the day - it's just normal life for every single person you know to either lose interest in you or betray you to a greater or lesser degree - every single job will - at best - politely put up with you, as soon as some sort of error crops up then we are sacking you - this is the reality of the situation - better get used to it.  It doesn't stop the hurt and confusion but it does go some way to helping to understand the decisions that found me at their centre.

I'll move on to what it's like to be diagnosed next...although that is still really hard to grasp emotionally.

Working in East Grinstead...

...and so begins the next chapter in my commuting life, no more Dorking (fun as it was), new destination - East Grinstead!

There has always been something slightly broken in my mind which made me think that East Grinstead was just past Three Bridges on the Brighton (railway) line - probably the fact that they are quite near to one another as the crow files - I've stupidly boarded East Grinstead trains at East Croydon a few times mistakenly thinking I'd be able to figure out a quicker way back home during disruption (and then catching trains back again). When the prospect of a job came up working here I immediately made the same mistake again - "Oh that will be easy to get to" - but no. Also this move co-incided with the biggest restructuring of timetables in British railway history - and the inevitable associated cancellations and delays (4 cancelled trains so far this morning from East Grinstead) the *only* way to get here on the train is via East Croydon.

I've had enough of London commuters.

Thankfully, after a quick bit of Googling, I discovered that (and this is a miracle) there is a number 400 bus that goes from East Surrey hospital (practically on our doorstep) to the fire station 500 yards from my new office. So far they have been reliable and (pretty much) on time - and they are also used by a lot of kids to get to School (meaning they are highly unlikely to be casually cancelled). The only problem is there isn't a lot in the way of alternatives leaving me really only one direct bus in and one direct bus out meaning there is potential for a bit of waiting around at Crawley bus station (but that isn't the end of the world).

I'm one week in and so far it's worked very well - the cherry on the top? It only costs £22 per week for my bus ticket. I think that has to be one of the cheapest commutes on the planet (unless one walks to work)!

Squall hits Dorking...

...taken out the office window... :0

Rainy Redhill

...oh man...I am wet and cold...didn't help that I couldn't really get off to sleep last night either (being tired always makes me feel colder)...for some weird reason my brain was just locked in a loop of saying "Hey Google" and getting back unsatisfactory responses, finally gave up trying to sleep at about half past four - no idea how I'm going to get through today - with lots and lots of tea most probably...

Ceefax is dead...

Wow, and just like that, Ceefax is dead...

I had thought that this had all come to an end with terrestrial switch off back in 2012, but actually a couple of little bits kept on pinging out content - it's still not (quite) the end...

Back in the day, when teletext (with a small "t") launched, you needed a set-top box to decode it from the terrestrial signal waving around over our heads - I remember hopping into (probably) our Renault 4 with my Dad, with it's lovely creaky campsite style seats and heading somewhere into suburban London to find an independent retailer who actually had one of these strange new decoder boxes (you could also buy a decoder box for the BBC A I seem to remember)...

Anyway, even though this was in the days before tape-based video recorders became established in the mainstream (so I couldn't at the time have drawn the comparison) it was roughly the size of a VHS player. The RF/Coax cable went in the back from the aerial on the roof and another one hooked you up to the TV.  The "remote" control was on a 2 or 3 meter wire that plugged in at the back, so it almost reached all the way to the sofa.  Press a combination of 2 magic buttons and slide a big buff slider or two into "teletext mode" and suddenly words appeared out of thin air...!

I can only really liken it to a very, very early version of the internet (but all done with UDGs in migraine inducing primary colours held in a rigid format)...you could interact with the content in two marvellous ways - either type in a new page number, or hit "Reveal" to make invisible content appear. Amazing! There was one very nice feature though, pick a channel, invoke the decoder, then going to page 888 would "minimise" the "browser" window and display subtitles (where available)...

Even back then though I remember finding it such a pain to browse, if you wanted to go and visit, say, page 800 on Teletext to get some funny jokes or hidden pictures behind a riddle you had to wait while it ticked through *every* *other* *page* of the 999 available on the way before it would (hopefully) load...

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, it's not quite the end...a few cable channels are still (apparently) keeping up text pages (Channel 5, Nickelodian, Syfy channel to name but a couple), and some bright spark has figured out that the teletext signals got recorded on VHS tapes and has worked out how to decode them from old recordings of It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Benny Hill. There is also the teletext archive here...if you are feeling particularly sentimental...bye bye teletext, gone, but not forgotten...  ;)

Rescued a Piplup...

...very early this morning, abandoned and slightly run over (in the darkness and rain) in the car park of East Surrey Hospital (so this is definitely a rescue Piplup)...Luckily Piplups have a thick coat of fur and (a bit like penguins) are very happy in the cold weather, so it was really only the "being hit by cars" bit that was bothering him. He is sat happily on my desk at the moment, and I'll be making a snug nest of paper towels to bring him home to be looked after by the kids from now on...just hope he gets on with Litten Mittens and Beatrice!

Virgin Superhub - unable to connect - solution

It's fair to say that we've been struggling with a few problems with our Wifi recently. Actually, when I sat down to think about it, I realised that we've got into a routine of re-booting the router probably once per day for the past year. It all began when 3 new devices arrived in the house last Christmas (and they just keep on coming) - it seems to have turned into a bit of a conveyor belt of one device kicking another off or stealing all the bandwith until the poor old Virgin Superhub just can't cope any more and collapses in a heap (requiring the off/on treatment).

The solution - a shiny new router from Google - it comes with everything you need in the box, you plug it in (power-wise), use the included bit of Cat5 to go out from the "Modem mode" slot on the back of the Virgin hub (it's the bottom one - clearly labelled) and plug it into the little hole on the Google router with a picture of a globe.

Next it's installing a small app on your telephone, choose a google account, give the new Wifi network a name and a password - and that's it! Connect your devices up (this took by far the longest) and - fingers crossed - the wifi has been super stable ever since (and reaches effortlessly all over the house, as a nice side-benefit).

So if you are, like many people on the Virgin Broadband forums, struggling with their (not quite up to the job of running a modern home) hardware, give it a try! It also auto tunes to the quietest frequencies to give you maximum bandwith over the air and allows you to turn on safesearch just for certain devices (I set up a "Kids tablets" group) plus I was able to switch off all internet to the kids devices after 7pm on School nights. Next thing is to set up a guest logon (which you can throttle down so it doesn't eat into the family's performance).

Overall very impressed.

Redhill Platform zero is open!

...and it only cost fifty million pounds!  Are we still wondering why the rail fares have gone up again?  Actually, in my neck of the woods we don't actually have a fare increase this year, but this is only because we have been bearing the brunt of the increases for the last decade or so while everyone else got off lightly (comparatively) - so at least someone thought of Reigate and Redhill residents for a change... ;)

Anyway, I have already noticed a tangible difference to my journey, from now on we won't have to wait for the service that precedes my train (from Tonbridge) to pull in to platform 1 first, it now terminates on platform 0.  Although as a result the Reading train now goes a lot further up platform 1, so I will have to change the place where I sit!

Dorking Sunrise