Happy 8 month Birthday Thomas

How quickly time has flown... Thomas is 8 months old today. He is changing daily, sitting up independently, then dive bombing forwards onto his tummy, kicking like crazy, then crying in frustration!

He simply loves food.. anything and everything and this morning after 2 shredded wheat and half a pear for breakfast he dive bombed onto his tummy, found the tissue box and I've had to pull a wet soggy tissue out of his mouth (nice!) Maybe that's why he now weighs 20lb 4oz!!!!

The giggles and laughs are infectious, smiles not just from the mouth, but the eyes too and life without him is a distant memory. ;o)

Happy 6 Month Birthday Thomas

I'm sat here (Wed evening) feeling a little emotional and after this post, I'm hoping it will all become clear in my head!

6 months ago I came home from work on the 16.30 having typed my handover notes and feeling smug that I had 2 more days in the office before a month of lazing around in the sun on maternity leave for 5 weeks. I had back ache, felt like the commute was getting harder, occasional tummy pains, but with 2 more days to go there was no way I wasn't going to finish the week. With an important meeting at The Wharf looming, I went to bed at 8.30pm in the spare room so Fink could also get some rest!

At 4am, life was thrown into chaos. Thomas decided he wanted to come into the world at 12.53 (or MJ as he was known then!). I was totally shell shocked to say the least, but somehow with the help of a very loving husband, fantastic family (especially my mum) and lots of good friends, we muddled through and I'm now thinking, what an incredible journey we've started and how amazing it feels to be a mummy. Thomas is simply adorable... he has the best smile, cute giggle and little arms and legs that get thrown everywhere when he is excited (or in a mood!). We went to London on Monday, just to say Hi to work colleagues and London seemed so busy, solitary and materialistic. Back home, life is slower, with lots of friends (or even strangers taking an interest in Thomas) and the small things like a smile after a feed, or little cuddle mean so much more than a designer handbag, or outfit! We're so proud of how well Daddy does every day commuting, as I'm definitely out of practice and for the time being anyway, I'm just loving being a mum.

Happy 6 month Birthday Thomas..

Early stages of Delivery - Dad's perspective #2

Anyway, about two hours later, after intermittently waking up to sleepily find the contractions drawing closer and closer together...Flyingpops got out of bed and rang the Hospital and was told to call the Antenatal day unit, despite the fact that our notes (and even the name) suggested that this would be a rather pointless exercise (thanks to the early hour)...However, despite our doubts, they really were there - the advice being to get all our things together and be waiting outside the door at 9am, just because the baby was 5 weeks early...unfortunately after this exact moment, pretty much nothing went according to plan (or previous wishes)...

The first thing that happened was Flyingpops going absolutely crazy about all the baby clothes not being washed, so the line was strung across the garden and the washing machine was turned up to level 11-

-next the hospital luggage came under scrutiny and was found sorely lacking...so instead of her taking the prescribed lovely long, warm bath to help reduce the pain, the next couple of hours were spent sticking on (and hanging out) absolutely armfuls of baby vests/grows/blankets/booties/bibs, unpacking and repacking the maternity equipment (checking and charging batteries in mobiles/cameras/blackberry/ CD player/iPod/mini speakers/TENS machine/hand fan/etc.) and then, after doing a handover with her office over the phone (an hour later than we thought, after a very quick bath) we finally manage to turn up to the ADU (dragging bulging bags and heaps of cushions)...

And so, Flyingpops (posing for pictures in the hospital car park, trusting completely our coveted NCT advice here that we were in absolutely no hurry) holding hands, knowing the baby is on the way but thinking we have plenty of time...Flyingpops is popped up onto a trolley for a (rather nasty) examination by the (rather severe) doctor who has arrived, a quick scan is performed, and then the pronouncement is that the baby is definitely breach and should be delivered immediately by c-section as the cervix is already dilated by 4cm and labour is well underway (with not a breath of gas and air, nor a push of a TENS machine button)...! So much for needing pain relief!

But what the hell were we doing at home!!!!

Waters have broken...!

Waters broke at 5am this morning, contractions are regular, happening about 5 minutes apart...we rang the hospital and they said as the baby is early we are to come in!

So this could well be it...(can't help feeling a bit guilty for my post earlier in the week though, whoops)...!

Oh well...wish us luck!

Ready for the Baby...

Okay, that's it now...I'm very, *very* ready for this baby to arrive...I've had *quite* enough of Flyingpops being pregnant (and I know, very definitely, so has she) and it's still five weeks to go...at the start of the pregnancy (16,348 years ago) I can distantly recall life being equally difficult with all the sickness and mood swings (but tempered with excitement and novelty), in the middle of term it was actually a pleasure (smiling to one another listening to the baby monitor, or sitting quietly trying to feel tiny little kicks too weak to make it out through the skin), but now, all the actual fun seems to have drained out of the experience and it's just sheer effort of will that seems to be keeping both of us going...thank goodness (though) at least one part of this particular chapter is drawing to a close as Flyingpops officially finishes working this Friday - firstly to take a little bit of holiday (not actually going anywhere, just stopping the commute into London) and then to formally start her maternity leave...the baby is just about full term now, so it could safely be born pretty much immediately, but I get a funny feeling that MJ is going to hang on in there until the very last possible minute (although I would be thrilled to be proven wrong)...

Anyway, nervous exhaustion aside, I'm not sure we could be much more ready...As you can see in the picture above, we've even run a number of the new baby clothes through the washing machine (and dried them on the line) in readiness...Flyingpops (two) hospital bags are packed, we've got the crisp new pillows and the still-sealed desk fan (etc.) recommended by the NHS antenatal tutor, we've got the TENS machine, we've got a play mat, we've got a steriliser...and the nursery has been ready for weeks...!

All that is missing is the 5lb 8oz awkwardly positioned bundle of kicks currently making it impossible for Flyingpops to breath, digest food, sleep, walk, carry anything, bend down, drive or get in and out of the bath...

Come to your Daddy MJ...

MJ

MJ and I had a midwife appointment today... the good news is that everything is still going well... all my checks are as they should be and I'm still moved to tears every time I hear his/her little heartbeat!

MJ is currently lying across my tummy - in a transverse fashion.. only 1% of babies like to lie this way apparently! The good news about this is that neither head, nor feet are pushing on anything so I'm avoiding a lot of indigestion and continual toilet trips that other ladies at my stage are suffering from. Apparently MJ has started to move a little into a birthing position, but they couldn't tell if it was bottom or head, so i've got to go back in 2 weeks for a check up. If it's still transverse, i'll be sent for a scan ... (Hurray! It would be amazing to see MJ again!) They really don't worry until about 36 weeks about position, so i'm not concerned.. however I will be bouncing on my ball to try and help the process a little (especially as Fink and I pumped it up at the petrol station earlier this week). My only pregnancy gripe is that I've just developed swollen feet, literally yesterday at work... it's not very attractive and I can only just get my feet into my crocs! But then again, this is very normal, is my only real symptom so far and it's forcing me to sit still and relax a little...

I have 7 days left working now, have attended the NCT mummy session and learnt how to bath baby and change nappies and with time whizzing on, I need to start planning my maternity leave and relaxing... currently thinking yoga, aqua natal, bumps n babes, coffee in priory park, catch up with friends, tidy house, prepare final bits in nursery, decide on babies name with Fink and clean! Watch this space!

St Thomas' Hospital - Antenatal Unit

Sorry for not posting the last couple of days...things have been rather...interesting, shall we say...

Looking back, everything actually sort of started on Monday (which seems an awfully long way away now), Flyingpops was complaining that she was in quite a bit of pain, which she was putting down to indigestion, so we self-medicated her with a glug or two of Gaviscon, some deflatine tablets and a warm bath, still managing to get to work on Tuesday (thinking all was well)...the next thing I know, having got almost to home time, I have Flyingpops on the 'phone clearly very upset telling me the pain has got a lot worse and that she had just seen a little blood - she had already rung East Surrey and they had told her not to muck about trying to get home, just get to the nearest hospital as quickly as possible...minutes later (after Flyingpops has managed to get to Guy's hospital and been told that they don't have an antenatal unit (Grrr!), she is referred to St Thomas') we have managed to find each another at a buzzing London Bridge station (just starting to get into rush-hour mode) and score a taxi (which then proceeds to get caught at every single traffic light on the route) and shortly after that we are hurrying towards the Antenatal Triage department on the 7th floor of the North building of St Thomas' hospital (with all sorts of dreadful thoughts running through our heads)...

When we *finally* get past the Midwives confusion over the fact that the pregnancy notes are totally different for this health authority (even down to different coloured paper), we have to fill out a bunch more forms (something about blood tests not being possible at this hospital otherwise) and they start running (what will turn out to be) the first of a *lot* of tests...urine comes back normal (that one takes seconds), and then the baby monitor is on, after an agonising few seconds a familiar "whoosh, woosh, woosh" noise emerges from the speaker, Flyingpops looks up at the midwife and says "Is that the baby?", and putting her hand on Flyingpops shoulder, the midwife smiles and nods...

Thank *God* for that...

But the fun isn't over yet, next stop is the antenatal day unit to get the pain/bleeding checked out...again the monitor goes on, and this time some extra blood gets taken (three vials) from Flyingpops left arm at the elbow joint -

- during which I point out interesting things happening on the Thames out the window while Flyingpops tries to smile and ignore the needle...a doctor comes and pokes and prods the bump, and pronounces that this pain is extremely unusual...examining the output from the machine, he starts to point out spikes clearly (to him) showing the start of (fairly irregular) contractions...things got a little bit gynaecological at this point, but the net result is that the baby appeared to be trying to be born and was in completely the wrong position to do so (not to mention extremely early)...a hurried conversation overheard between two doctors through the flimsy curtain informs us that a delivery suite was being prepared for us, and that an urgent c-section was definitely on the cards...

Flyingpops is told not to eat or drink anything (part of being prepped for surgery), and before too long we are whipped along to the delivery room, where we meet our midwife for the night shift (and her boss), who between them manage to make a bit of a mess of poor Flyingpops hands -

- and then put her on a drip to keep her hydrated, and then we are left to our own devices, knowing that at any minute we could be parents of a very tiny baby, in an incubator...later on that evening Flyingpops is given a steroid injection to super-charge the little one's lung development (that it may very soon be relying on for oxygen)...and then, despite the promise of a mattress which never materialised, I snatch a tiny amount of disturbed sleep curled up on the delivery room floor, a tiny baby towel folded up under my ear to keep my head off the cold ground, and a single sheet which all night long I change my mind about whether draping it over my body or trying to bunch it onto lumps under my body in an attempt to protect my joints is the better approach...neither were much good, and the next day I'm aching all over, feeling very much like I've just taken a red eye flight from the US...bleugh...and Flyingpops hasn't slept a wink...

Anyway, finally we then get a bit of good news, brought to us in the hand of an elderly orderly - a breakfast menu - the doctor has announced that the fast is over, Flyingpops can eat(!) - and with it is removed any risk of being suddenly rushed into theatre...*phew*...from here on in, we crept slowly back down the risk scale, moving later that day to one of the regular antenatal wards where Flyingpops was observed regularly, but not quite as often, and there are also a few people to talk to (as a bonus), one lady who was 2 days from delivering twins, and one poor girl who had been stuck in the hospital for 4 *weeks* with high blood pressure...and these are our (sometimes noisy) companions until the last test results come back (yesterday) and Flyingpops is finally allowed to come home...

So we very, very nearly had a picture of a premature baby to show to you this week...and now, if you will excuse me (to quote John Travolta) I'm going to go and have a heart attack... ;)

Newborn clothes - Shopping in Crawley

Back to Saturday now, we got up really early so we could be there before the ravening new-town horde descended (baying and slavering) scouring every corner of every retail outlet with their particular brand of covetous chaos...arriving just about 9am, we found the car park largely empty (plan going well so far), parked up on the second storey and rode the escalators down into County Mall, first stop was Boots (which we had practically to ourselves), and by some great fluke of luck they had a massive promotion on (loads of extra points and up to 40% off baby goods), so we picked up some new expensive electrical goods, *enormous* pots of hideously expensive creams and lotions and a few items of clothing (earning about £17 in points on the reward card)-

- we then hit Pumpkin Patch (where we got 3 lemon-yellow little outfits, with an incredibly cute little hat and matching vest, mittens and booties) - these will be the "visiting time" baby wear, for when the little one has to be all presentable for picture taking -

- after this we headed to Primark (me dragging my heels in anticipation of absolute hell), but it too was actually comparatively empty! In there we picked up the majority of the simple, everyday outfits required for the early days, and after a brief stop at Prémaman (another sale) to pick up a bargain cardigan, we finished off in Mothercare (who were *also* having a sale! Talk about the right weekend to go shopping for baby stuff!) but all that meant was they had wheeled all the rails out of the stock room and jumbled everything up (meaning it ended up being a much more confusing shopping experience even than Primark, as newborn was all mixed up with everything else)...not ideal...but anyway, we now have *plenty* of vests, socks, baby grows, etc. etc. and from that direction, at least, we are all ready to go! :)

Happy Father's Day

Daddy,

Thank you so much for all your hard work on my nursery. Mummy is so pleased it's finished and she can now sit in there and relax (after sorting and resorting the nappies/babygrows etc etc).

Enjoy the Grand prix today and think, next year fathers day will be very different... I wonder what we'll be doing?!?

Love you lots already and can't wait for a cuddle in September,

MJ xxx

I felt the baby move...

...for the first time last night! Flyingpops has been complaining for almost a week now that the movements from the bump have been getting increasingly violent, *really* surprising her when they occur without warning and even on occasion making her physically recoil in shock, and it's only going to get more intense from here on in...I conclude, therefore, that we have probably just about reached the stage (I was warned about in my daddy-to-be guide book) where the little, enjoyable ticklish "fluttering" feelings are over, and from here on in it's going to be much more like something she just has to put up with (might be a couple of weeks of novelty wearing off to go, if we are lucky)...

The good side effect of this, of course, is that while before if I picked up any sort of feeling at all, it was less pronounced than my own pulse, last night I was able to distinctly feel movement beneath the skin (it still feels a little diffuse to me, as it would do, but it was unmistakably present)...Flyingpops describes it as like being punched, not slugged to the ground, obviously, but a decent deliberate whack...so the little blighter is getting strong, but then, when one stops to think about it, we are only days away from the six month stage in the pregnancy now, if you can believe that! In just over three months (it's going so *fast*!) if everything continues going as smoothly as it's gone so far, I'll be posting a picture of the individual responsible for all this bashing about here for all to see...! ;)

22 Week scan

Am just back from the 22 week scan and wanted to let you know that everything is absolutely perfect... MJ is still very camera shy, hiding his face from the camera and so our photos are not 'too great' but maybe MJ just wants to surprise us when he/she is born!  We asked to not find out whether it was a boy or girl, so the lovely nurse didn't look and it will be a complete surprise for everyone in September..(in fact, I may start a blog post to guess sex and weight nearer the time!)

MJ is a little above average.. again, what do you expect with Fink as daddy! 

Head circumference - Average 198mm - MJ 210mm

Abdominal circumference - Average 172 - MJ 182mm

Bi-parietal diameter (across babies head) - Average 56 - MJ 61mm

But all in proportion and the biggest news is nothing to worry about... phew!

Picture to follow, once I learn how to do it!

x

MJ at 22 Weeks

This link is amazing!
http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-weeks-1-to-9_10302602.bc?intcmp=Art_Test_related_fet&pn=Article%20page&pn=Article%20page

MJ at Week 20 from Flyingpops

2 weeks ago (week 18) I felt MJ move.. it was very light, like a butterfly at first but as the weeks have gone on, its more pronounced and can even hurt sometimes.  On Easter Monday, MJ was tickling me, something that I found very entertaining and just sat in the chair laughing to myself.  I had just finished hovering and eating an easter egg, so maybe he was reacting to the loud noise and  sugar rush (poor thing).  He stopped when I stood up to drive to mums for dinner.  Fink puts his hand on my belly more now and I really want him to be able to feel the movement.  Fink felt the pulse the other day, although I’m sure he thinks I’m crazy every night when I say ... quick...MJ is really kicking, and grab his hand... only for him to feel absolutely nothing!  Last night I discovered that MJ has started reacting to Fink's voice, so if he talks loudly,MJ will give me a little kick – as if saying hello to his daddy... What does MJ like?  Popcorn, chocolate and ice cream... guaranteed to give me a few minutes of entertainment!  Although, I am beginning to get different feelings, So i’m wondering if some are hiccups and some are kicks.... I think its the hiccups that tickle me!

Today is the second scan.. something i’m very excited about, but also very emotional and scared.  The excitement comes from getting to see MJ, I can’t wait and he is so active now that it should be good to see him on screen.  In fact, maybe I should have a naughty lunch so he is really active and they can’t measure and i’ll have to go back!?!?  Then comes the anxiety.. it dawned on my earlier this week reading a forum on www.bounty.com that this scan is a medical examination and so  they are checking for abnormalities and running tests.  I’m really hoping it’s ok, but can’t stop moments of doubt, tears and some genuine uneasiness filter through.  I have developed such a strong bond with MJ and feel an immense love, even though I have not met him yet.  They say a mummy is born the moment she falls pregnant, and I have to agree.  My entire life is now about MJ, whats best for him, providing protection and a stable happy home to bring him up.

Pictures and an update later... i'm just doing a little work from home before heading off to the hospital at 3.40

- update - 

just back from hospital... were there for just under 2 hours and MJ is camera shy... they got most of the measurements and everything is exactly as it should be - heart beating, brain ok, etc etc however they couldn't get 1 measurement and so we have to go back in 2 weeks... no problem as I can't wait to see MJ again... the only downside is that we didn't get any pictures as he was facing my spine (so no chance of seeing the gender either, not that we were going to find out!)... off to Brighton for Fish and Chips and Fink deserves a cold beer on the seafront, so see you later

Pregnancy - Twenty Weeks

So, a little landmark has been reached, Flyingpops is now *20* weeks pregnant with "MJ" (this is officially the *half-way* stage)...the sickness that was such a problem at the start of pregnancy is now an extremely rare occurrence (hurrah!), the nagging tiredness has also vanished (Flyingpops first daytime nap in weeks was a 30 minute stint yesterday afternoon), and the moods seem to have largely stabilized too (what a relief)...

The baby is now surprisingly large, looking in the baby book (that we *still* haven't returned to the library) reveals it's about the same size (end to end) as a PSP (good analogy eh?), upcoming developments are things like difficulty breathing for mum (as the baby starts to push upwards on the lungs) and it's also around now that the baby starts to follow regular sleep patterns (meaning Flyingpops and MJ will be able to wake each other up)...I am also *supposed* to be able to hear the heart beat with the help of a cardboard tube, however I couldn't even pick up *Flyingpops* heartbeat, let alone MJ's when we had a try over the weekend...Anyway, the second (and last) ultrasound scan is scheduled for this Friday, this is the one where we may (or may not) be able to tell the gender...neither of us particularly want to know one way or the other, but for some odd reason right from the start, Flyingpops has been referring to MJ as a male...and it would be interesting to know if her instincts have been right... ;)

The Ultrasound scan pictures

So here we go, these are the first pictures of the baby, they were snapped by the nurse that was performing the ultrasound scan (for diagnostic purposes) although quite how from what she saw she could judge the due date with such a degree of confidence is quite beyond me...these pictures are also, in fact, the last look we are going to get until the end of April when the second (and final) scan takes place...

I'm not being mean, but whenever any other proud parent-to-be has enthusiastically thrust their scan pictures under my nose, I have rather struggled to actually pick the baby from the static, nodding and smiling (regardless) when a completely randomly shaped blob was introduced to me as their neck/arm/head...so I was rather surprised how clear these pictures are, needing very little in the way of explaination (or is that just me)? ;)

...this also counts (sort of) as the first photograph I have taken of the baby (as no scanner was to hand)... ;)

So there we are - Internet, meet MJ... ;)

First Scan - 19th Feb

Flyingpops posting, this is taken from my diary -

"We’ve got our first scan at 3 today (19^th Feb)...how do I feel?  Honestly, nervous, excited, worried, happy... such a jumble of emotions and I really can’t describe it!  For 2 months, I have felt sick, tired, emotional and at some points wondered if M. Junior (MJ, can't be AJ as we already have at least one of them) really does exist... and in about 2 hours I get to see for the first time.  I can’t help but wonder if its a phantom pregnancy - Am I really lucky enough to be bringing a child into the world?  I’m very excited, of course, but keep on thinking – what if it’s not healthy?  Followed closely by - what if its twins...?

I know my hormones are all over the place at the moment....  but I’m a very practical person and have to stay calm.... my mind can’t even think about what we do if something isn’t right!  In fact, my stomach is doing somersaults and I’ve got that feeling before going into a really big meeting that I have butterflies and need the toilet every few minutes...I must stay calm!

So, I’ve read all the books about what to expect, have my pink notes (issued by the hospital) by the door so I don’t forget them...I have £4 in change for the pictures (just hope Fink has a £1 coin) and I’ve just had a text so I know he is on his way home, I’m hoping to see him walk through the door at 2.30 – for us to trot over the road to the hospital at 2.40, for a 3 o'clock appointment...I like to be early!  ;o) 

Just had a thought – what on earth do you wear for a scan?!?  I’ve gone for a white VW T-shirt, jeans and jumper...had a nice bath so I’m clean and feeling fresh...Hopefully after this entry, I will have met MJ and can share with you how cold the jelly feels, what it really looks like on the screen, what the room is like, how the lady treats us and above all else - what it feels like to be a parent!  Oh and my final decision – where will we go to celebrate?!?

Update - Everything is perfect! We went into the scan 10 mins early and within seconds you can see MJ wriggling on the screen...my reaction – I cried!  But this made the machine wobble, so I had to stop!  Fink held my hand very tightly and just watched in amazement.  It’s difficult for me to see, but I could see Fink's smile – it was amazing!  The jelly was warm - What a nice surprise, my voice so nervous I could barely croak my date of birth.  They have to measure a few things, but MJ was lying on his side, so I had to roll over...still no joy! Then stand up and do some dancing, it worked for a minute but then he rolled over again!  So, I did it again and the nurse manages to get the measurements she needed...after she has conducted the test part of the scan, she moved the monitor to me and pointed out his eyes, ears, arm behind his head, legs in the air and another arm waving ‘Leave me alone, I’m comfortable in here’...she then gives us the pictures, a cloth to wipe the jelly from my tum...gives me a due date of 7^th Sep – I’m so happy - if it's a bit late, the DOB will be 09-09-09.  Fink and I are on cloud 9 – I’m going now to have a sleep to recover whilst he plays Xbox whilst he still can!"...

...oh and Fink didn't have a £1 coin...we worked it out though... ;o)

Flyingpops is Pregnant!

Sorry for not saying anything before, but we had to get through the early weeks (during which time all sorts of things can go wrong) and make sure we had told at least the nuclear families (with lots of Champagne and tears and hugs) before posting anything here...I'm sure you understand...although I have taken the very earliest (permitted) opportunity... ;)

So, let's do a quick catch-up...Wayback machines set to the 2nd of January please, and peer down from the evening sky as we drag ourselves (and all our bags of luggage) through the front door having just driven back from our New Year celebrations in Cornwall...Flyingpops vanished upstairs leaving me to sort out all our bits and bobs, so I began unpacking and re-assembling the living room (I had taken the Xbox down to the South West with me), when she returned she walked right over to me (I was on the floor struggling with the optical cable for the surround sound) and said that she loved me...nothing unusual in that, but considering my position I suppose I probably propped myself up on an elbow and peered up, arms covered in dust from the spaghetti behind the TV and gave her a slightly unkind "is this really the moment?" look, but seeing the expression on her face, frowned a little, dropped the cables and stood up, and that's when, as her arms reached out to enclose me, I spotted the pregnancy test in her hand (and I knew, but I waited for her to say it)...

I don't know why, but my mind spends all day long trying to save me from disappointment, I very rarely allow myself the luxury of excited anticipation, preferring to ground myself (just in case)...absolute certainties aside (of course) I'm just extremely cautious with myself, preferring to prepare myself for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised...So I don't know quite what my face looked like, and I don't know quite how the words coming out of my mouth were received by Flyingpops...of *course* I was over the moon, but something told me to keep the emotions carefully in check, just in case anything were to go wrong...and then I really can't remember what we did (so suppressing the emotions definitely did something to my memory), I do remember reassuring Flyingpops (about six times) that the little line on the test really did "mean it was true", and saying at least six times that she needn't worry about all the alcohol and cheese she had eaten in Cornwall, I have a funny sort of feeling we danced and then I know I did some half panicked reading on the internet...I can only remember wondering how on earth were we going to get all the nutrients required to grow a baby into a fussy vegetarian (ever practical)...oh and of course Flyingpops calculating that we had conceived somewhere around the time we picked up Poppy the Beetle...fairly ironic, if you read her blog post from around that time...it turns out that her calculations weren't quite right after all, but it amused me at the time...

That next weekend (she surrendered herself to the sickness *immediately* that it occurred to her that there were a reason for it, and not just in the morning either) I left Flyingpops to be miserable in bed and went to do the Tesco shopping by myself, and I freely admit here, I went a little crazy buying all sorts of pulses, nuts, fish, fruit (fresh and processed) and vegetables...a lot of it ended up in the bin as her tastes changed quite rapidly also, perennial favourites fell by the wayside (largely due to their texture now being deemed unpleasant), leaving us (even now) in a situation where *very* little will actually do...the only really good change is a new desire to consume lots of garlic, whenever we go out for a meal it's always Italian (which is a little annoying)...but one two cannot live off garlic bread alone...so it remains a bit of a problem (in my mind, anyway), not least because it's me that's doing all the cooking...

The other thing is the way the hormones have taken their toll on Flyingpops mood/behaviour, and we are at a "crying havoc" level here...emotional outbursts to rival the very worst ever "time of the month", weeping, bursts of anger, emotions flipping on and off like switches (impossibly positive and negative)...and not only that - extreme fatigue, sleeping nearly all the (available) time, and this constant nagging sickness (not throwing up, just feeling completely dismal), getting on the train to and from London has redefined the word "ordeal", just watching her turning slowly green (or grey) each time the train accelerates or rocks from side to side (even remotely) remains extremely difficult, and each time I take hold of her hand and ask if she is "Okay?" I'm aware it's a completely useless gesture (because I know perfectly well that she isn't)...but how do you stop yourself...?

I can't tell you how difficult it's been for the past few weeks...not being able to tell anyone, let alone forbidding myself from being able to talk about it (even in a roundabout or theoretical way, in case of a slip), nor even being able to vent my resultant frustrations (in my normal way) in this forum...honestly, when I think of all those puerile posts my dizzy brain managed to cobble together when quite different things were screaming around my mind, it sets me reeling...my poor tongue has practically bitten itself all the way through and the zip feels like it's now a permanent fixture...

..and so we get to the day of the first scan, the 19th of February, and the baby, yes... -my baby- ...appears on that little screen...they say a man doesn't become a father until his baby is born, whereas a woman is a mother as soon as she’s pregnant, but after that - it's real...

...and Everything has changed.