The Spider Diaries

Four incidents spring to mind.

1) Me - Being around 10 years old, sneaking around the house on a Christmas present hunt while parents are absent somewhere, gleefully finding the copy of Driller I had asked for (the Freescape game), running to my bedroom, loading it up onto my Speccy and then quickly taking a snapshot of everything in RAM and saving it to a blank tape (so I could play it while I was waiting for Christmas to arrive - hehe - no-one any the wiser) - going to return the (perfectly reformed) parcel to it's hiding place - suddenly karma strikes - a *GIANT* dusty house spider runs right up my leg, right up my torso towards my FACE, me stumbling backwards desperately flapping my hands downwards to swat if off my body (even though I didn't want to touch it), I hit my head when I crash onto the floor, seeing stars, spider nowhere to be seen...ran out of the room - *never* looked for presents again.

2) Secondary school, lots of mates around in my bedroom, full on Call of Cthulhu role playing session. I'm the GM. Everyone else is looking at me, I'm facing the room, get to a really tense scene (it's a Gothic horror RPG) - I suddenly see a colossal spider come strolling in through the window at the back of the room - I freeze - a look of absolute terror on my face - everyone in the room goes completely white - then suddenly realise the problem is actually real and not in the game! Everyone lunges for nunchuku or tonfa and go for the spider, it vanishes behind the bed. We go and play in the living room.

3) Years later, just started working in Dorking, still living in South Park, had bought a Titan Mohawk with one of my first paychecks, very cool. Watching a VHS of Predator (for probably the 50th time) on old 29" CRT TV (height of tech), suddenly become aware of GIANT SPIDER underneath the desk TV is sat on, just sitting there...quietly indicate to Junior Angel, who is sat next to me - he mouths "OH SH!T!", I point to the gun, he slowly hands it over, I lock and load as quietly as I can, like I'm playing Sniper Elite III. Take careful aim. BANG (the report from that rifle was like a proper gun shot) - we jump accordingly. Splinters explode from the skirting board - RIGHT ON TARGET - BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN MOVE! When we finally pluck up enough courage to get close, as I *MUST* have hit, it turns out it's a big bit of carpet fluff.

4) Older now, valuable Saturday morning laying in bed in shared house, snug in my duvet in my attic room in Dene Street Gardens (Dorking), brand new slab-like IBM Thinkpad 380D on my lap - starting a play through of Grim Fandango, too lazy to cook breakfast quite yet, trying to ignore knocks on the front door from milkman wanting payment for worlds most expensive orange juice. BIGGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN comes slowly into view 1 inch to the right of my face from behind pillow, focus takes a second - immediately throw £1500 laptop four feet into the air - in living room before I know what I have done - swearing loudly. Spider now on duvet, looking as shocked as I am. Grab motorised UZI 9MM BB gun from sofa, unleash 400 rounds. Never see spider again. Forever treading on BB bullets and cursing.

Got cat now.